Movin' Out

The day has come and I've decided to move on from Midland. In fact this is posted the day after I moved because after intending to finish this before it suddenly dawned on me that I couldn't stand it there an additional second. Maybe it was the yelling about the failures in life, maybe it was yelling about my improper moving techniques in this my 6th time this year, maybe it was the editorial in the newspaper condemning a Family Circus viewpoint. or maybe it was just easier than cleaning my room.

Either way I packed up my self and have headed to a better place...an apartment in Chicago...where my roommate's first warning was "don't use the side streets around here."

"You mean the ones I just drove through to park my car?"

"Yeah."

I consider a this for a moment. "Awesome."

My Parents Are Not in a Cult

Okay for the last time let me clear this up my parents are not in a cult. All of your suspicions are completely unfounded.

Now I know what you're saying: but Paul what about the white ropes and the constant murder attempts. Pish paw I say to that. Firstly yes my parents have been attending meetings that take them away to for secluded weekends. Yes after one of these did my mom and dad start wearing white robes and referring to themselves as Moonwave and Ardok the Space Warrior respectively. But this is in no way a cult. Firstly white robes are just a fad and my parents have been taken in by it just like I was with flannel shirts in the mid 90's. Secondly, come on, are you trying to tell me that Moonwave and Ardok the Space Warrior aren't cooler names than Chris and Dave. Yawn boring.

The most skeptical of you probably will question they're repeated attempts to take my life in the name of the tenth planet, but to me this is old news. They've been trying to kill me for years, after a large life insurance policy was put on me as a child. Encouraging me to sled down the stairs, feeding me fertilizer and calling it nerds, the countless hospitalized blows to the head, letting me drive a Ford Focus. We always have a good laugh about it. So just because they're doing it now in the name of some unidentified planet is so...eh whatever. I'm just glad they seem to have a reason for it now. I suppose the sacrificial mound in the back yard is unsightly but on the other hand the neighbor dogs don't bark at night. In fact I don't think I ever see them at all anymore.

Sure this doesn't explain the repeated mass suicide attempts with their "friends." Come on "repeated suicide attempts" more like repeated suicide failures. I'm not worried.

Now if you'll excuse me I have a terrible headache and although I can't find any painkillers in the house (or drain-o on a separate note...that's weird), my mom fixed me a big bowl of clam chowder which she says will take care of all the problems in this family. Now she's laughing.