Heart Monitor

At Christmas my father gave me a heart monitor. I made fun of the gift at the time because I really never exercise and whenever I would exercise most cardio machines have heart monitor attached to them anyways. Anyways I couldn’t return the gift so I just kept it in the box from Christmas until May.

However my watch broke the other day and since I just graduated from college and am currently not working more than part time I could not afford a new watch. Then I realized that the heart monitor also told the time, so I decided just to use that instead of buying a new watch.

The only problem is that it has a big button in the center of it that when it is even lightly touched it beeps and tells me what my heart rate is. Which is great because now I have a device that can tell me how physically lazy I’m actually being. I was watching television on the couch the other day a rolled over and the monitor beeped and flashed: 50. I’m like great now even my heart is being lazy. It will beat like once and then say screw it and watch VH1 instead.

Get an iPod Now, It's Inevitable

So, I finally broke down over break and got an iPod. Now this possibly could be the biggest "who cares" of all time because it seems everyone got an iPod over break. However, I am not a big music fan and yet I was inexplicably drawn toward these little devices.

It's not that I don't like music. I do. It's just that I've never invested much time or money into music as I do toward movies, television or DVDs. I've never been a person to go searching for new music; I would never claim to have been the first to hear some song or band, nor have I ever been to a concert. This may seem weird, but I just don't care enough.

Honestly, I felt compelled to purchase one because I thought they were cool and would obviously make me cooler for having one. Now I know you're saying, "Paul, aren't you already cool and getting an iPod would be like adding only 2 cool points to infinity?" Yes, that is true, but I was still compelled by these urges. So why did I feel the need to purchase an iPod? Well I have three possible ideas:

Theory 1): I wanted an iPod so I can listen to all my music when either going to class, exercising or studying. All without having to carry CDs around for variety; plus no skipping.

These are all great functions of the iPod but I never felt the urge to do any of them before I got my iPod. Now I find myself going to class, exercising and studying just so I can listen to music and justify my purchase. It's like I'm saying, "Finally, I can do all the things I never wanted to do before. I'm awesome." It's a good theory and probably the reason many people got one over break. In fact, it's the reason I rationalized it to my parents, but it's not really my reason.

Theory 2): I'm an Apple person and therefore purchase Apple products. My friend had a theory claiming that I'd be the first of our group to get an iPod because I love Apples and thus would love anything Apple. Well, these aren't pies. I do use Apples frequently, but I'm a telecom major and it's just what we use for our projects. Not that I don't like Apple, but using them is not really a love ... just a necessity. Also, I'm the same dude who thought four of us could handle a keg on our own for New Year's, so maybe my judgment is not the best. So much beer to pour out. Luckily, I had an iPod on to drown out my gentle sobbing.

Theory 3): Everyone will eventually buy an iPod because those commercials have subliminal messages with their damned flashy colors and U2 lyrics. In fact, if you listen closely, you can here Bono singing, "Buy an iPod, buy an iPod" repeatedly.

Clearly this is the reason. Screw those subliminal ads. This also explains why I had to get "Vertigo" off of iTunes. I should have seen this ploy coming; even my sister got an iPod mini, which I believe is the first piece of technology she has ever bought. However, it's not just my family that was taken in by these subliminal commercials. Look around campus at the people walking to class with little white plugs dangling out of their ears into their coats. Go to the library where the people listen to their iPods while still avoiding the Apple computers; they're not Apple people. Or even the countless people on treadmills silently exercising while listening to their music. Damn you U2 for making me healthier! It's almost like Apple is using the iPod in an attempt to turn us all into some sort of evil, class-going, sharp-minded, physically fit music listening cult.

And I have to say I am loving it.

Seriously, I have never felt like such an in-crowd person before in my life. Everyone from my last apartment has an iPod except for one roommate. We still talk to him of course, but we just respect him a little less. What am I saying? A lot less actually, there is almost no respect there. Of course, he claims that it's just not important to him, but he spent the last semester in London so I can only assume he hasn't seen the ads, and therefore doesn't understand how cool they are. I would explain it but I can never hear him talking to me because I'm listening to my iPod.

Already Apple has unleashed the Apple Shuffle hoping its low cost will reel in the remaining non-believers. Excuse me, I mean non-users. Duke University gave them out to all their incoming students last fall, car companies are making ports to connect iPods to your car stereo. Picture iPods are already available. How long will it be before iPods with movies or Internet connections are available? Innovation is inevitable. Yes, soon everyone will have an iPod and as soon as that happens, Apple can finally hardwire an iPod to your brain -- iPod and human living in perfect harmony, each needs the other. Follow the white rabbit.

This column originally appeared in the Indiana Daily Student under the title "The Last Straw" on January 20, 2005. http://www.idsnews.com/subsite/story.php?id=27113

Ruining My Life, Anytime I Want

On-Demand television will ruin my life.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with On-Demand TV, it is a service provided by digital cable that allows one to watch TV shows and movies anytime one wants. Not only that, but it can be paused, rewound and so forth. Typically, the On-Demand service is attached to premium channels' packages, in my case HBO and Starz.

Yes, folks, my life has been a progressive social downward spiral since the arrival of On-Demand in my house. I don't need friends; I have my "Entourage" available whenever I want. Why deal with people I don't like when I can watch Tony Soprano eliminate his enemies at my command? I don't need a girlfriend; I have "Real Sex" and "G-String Divas" 24 hours a day. And since they work like a movie I can fast forward to the parts I actually want to see. No more changing the channel during penis puppets and missing the beginning of Stripper Rodeo. What's the point of school when at a touch of a button I can watch documentaries and children's educational programming? Do I watch them? Of course not. I have "Real Sex" and "G-String Divas" 24 hours a day.

The fact is not that normal television hasn't become boring to me, it's just an inconvenience. Some of my favorite shows are still on regular cable ("Scrubs," "Arrested Development," almost all of "Adult Swim," to name a few) but being tied down to a viewing time really tends to stifle my laziness. When I couldn't get back in time to watch an episode of my new favorite show "Entourage," I wasn't upset because I knew in a matter of hours it would be available for me to watch again and again and again and, well, you get the point.

I used to rent movies all the time; now there is no need. Typically, there is a wide enough selection to satisfy my needs, even if it does mean watching "Waiting for Guffman" for the third time this week. If I really want a new movie I can use PPV and convince (i.e. trick) my roommate into splitting the charge.

However, like all great addictions, this tends to greatly affect my personality. I need to watch. And since there were so many episodes right there at a touch of a button, I do. My life isn't this interesting. It almost becomes like television life is my life. "Entourage" has all but convinced me that I need to find a friend to mooch off of in Los Angeles. See, I am a realist. I'm nowhere near attractive enough for people to mooch off of me. (Notably if you plan on being famous and want a yes-man to mooch off of you, look me up). I would move to New Jersey an attempt to start a crime syndicate, but something about being a pale Irishman from the Midwest doesn't scream "gangster," no matter how much I try.

Life is just more interesting in the reality that is TV and without having to wait to watch, instant gratification takes the fantasy to a whole new level. Sitting there, watching, knowing that the next episode of "Six Feet Under" might reveal who killed Nate's ex-wife is just too engrossing to venture into the outside world. This is why their "life" gets nominated for Emmys, and I'm stuck with a certificate I printed out on my computer that proclaims: "Paul Straw: First Place for Awesomeness." The certificate keeps my life from becoming sad.

Unfortunately, with all highs come bottoming-out lows. On-Demand's catch is that, typically, programming only lasts for a month or a month after the last episode in a season. This causes a cold turkey effect. "Entourage" goes away this Sunday, and the girls from "Sex and the City" just aren't as fun, for me at least. Also, as we all know, not all movies are created equal, and for every "X2" there is a "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" taking up space.

I don't mean to be a shill for On-Demand or any premium channel for that matter, but this is just another chink in broadcast television's armor. On-Demand allows people to hear buzz about a show and then watch when convenient. Imagine how many more people would see "Arrested Development" if they could watch it any time they want. If broadcast TV doesn't want to drop the ball yet again they might want to look into this. Imagine being able to watch "The Simpsons" anytime one wants or late at night being able to settle the bet of whether 50 midgets or an elephant can pull a jet plane faster. The possibilities are endless.

I would write to the broadcast headquarters and tell them this is a good idea but 1) I'm lazy, 2) I have several hours of TV to watch ("The Wire" was just made available) and 3) My printer's busy making certificates for myself. Seriously, they make my life less pathetic.

This was originally printed as an Indiana Daily Student column by the title of "The Last Straw" on September 30, 2004. http://www.idsnews.com/subsite/story.php?id=25094